A.M.B.I.T.I.O.U.S.!!!!

A.
M.an
B.orn
I.n
T.he
I.mage
O.f
U.deniable
S.uccess

Without bad times, we would never really and truly appreciate the good ones.  If all we had was “good” days, then we wouldn’t even call them that.  They would just be days.  We have to have bad days to have good ones or else we would probably just call them “same” days.. LOL  

Anyways, this “AMBITIOUS” thing I wrote is actually my friends clothing line,yet so motivating to me.  To thin about it reminds me that I’m strong and meant for more then what I have in my life right now.  That it’s a struggle that is only overcome with hard work and determination.  

My life has been so hard on me the last month that it’s nearly breaking me.  Yet every day I grow, stronger and stronger, closer and closer, to getting myself out of this trench and nearer to my goals.  I was born with the strength and learning abilities to set my mind to whatever I want in life and accomplish it.  So were all of you.  Remember the hard times, endure them and use them to help you truly appreciate the good days and what you have in your life that you’ve fought for. 

 

Love Their Mother

Someone once told me that the best thing I could do for my daughter, is to love her mother.  I always agreed with him but, never really got it until recently.  This goes to so many levels.

How I love her mother in front of her will teach her what love is and what she should expect from men when she grows up.  How I treat her mother will teach her how to let men treat her when she’s older.  How I talk to her mother will teach her how to talk to people and make her think it’s okay for men to talk to her that way someday, good or bad.  

My actions, especially now that she’s three and really starting to understand the world around her, will mold her into the women she’s to become.  Not solely by myself, her mothers actions and responses to my behaviors will play a significant role as well but, my actions are and will continue to impact the outcome of the women my daughter will soon be.

So, the best thing I can do for my daughter is to love her mother.  Treat her with respect, love her, never argue in front of her, talk to her without harsh words and remember that my daughter is a walking copy cat.  Learning everyday from my behaviors and if I want her to grow up to be kind, loving, loyal, understanding, patient and strong.  That I need to lead by example and be those things for her.  Not just sometimes but, consistently to show her this is the way she should be always.

I’m flawed in this, while I know this, I am not the best example and sometimes have a tough time playing the role as father rather then friend to my daughter.  Mostly because I always want for her to consider me not only her father but, her best friend.  But, to be a good friend and father is going to be to lead by example and hold her accountable for her actions someday.  I won’t be able to do that if I’m telling her to act a way other then the way that I display.  

This is something I’m going to start working on now.  Working on being a better role model, father and friend by teaching my daughter, by example, how to behave and how to be treated as a young women so that one day she continues to grow up into the wonderful young women that she’s already becoming.

The best thing you can do for your child, boy or girl, is to love and respect their mother.

Our Actions Effect Others We Love

I forgot how much my actions effect those I care about.  I remember how much my addictions in past through off the balance of everyone’s life I was involved in.  How me being in prison made time harder on those that loved me that were out and how while I was using it hurt everyone that loved me.  I used to have this attitude of “it’s my body and life and I’m not hurting anyone else so why should they care what I’m doing”.  Well, it was because they loved me and seeing me going down that road hurt them too.  Having me away from them in jail hurt them too.  Seeing someone you love hurts when you see them going down the wrong roads.  Just like when you see a loved one sick in the hospital, you’re not the one physically sick, but it hurts you and make you worry about them.  

My attitude through off the balance everywhere in my life and others when I lived that lifestyle.  Now, today, that I have a girlfriend and child you would think that I would understand that my actions effect those nearest me the most.  Well for some reason, even with the understanding of my past and the pains that my actions caused them, I somehow forgot.  

Now, it’s my actions and lack of thoughts in decisions that I make are causing a huge unbalance in my relationship.  The mistakes that cost my good paying job, the DUI, etc.  All leaving me and my family in financial shambles. Causing stress in my relationship, distance between my girlfriend, physically and emotionally, and my daughter.  Everything is out of sync.  

When everyone is working together to make things roll smoothly, it’s takes all of you to make it keep rolling.  A car is useless with three good tires and one flat and if you continue to drive it that way it wrecks the whole vehicle.  I”m the flat tire trying to repair the damage right now and it’s rough.  Not being able to provide financially for my family, take my love on dates, but groceries.  All sucks.  

On the bright side, it reminded me that it’s not just me in this world.  That I have loved ones who care about me and rely on me and that my actions effect those people along with myself.  That when you have a family that relies on you, you have to think about them before you make a decision and I haven’t been doing that.  I’ve been being short sighted and selfish and it’s my goal to start working on that as of now.  Hopefully it’s not too late to repair the damage.  But, as of today I’m going to start trying.

Time Can’t be manipulated

I found that through my life I was a pretty bad manipulator. While I strive to stray away from it today in life, it doesn’t change the fact.  I used to pride myself on how manipulative I was and that how the only thing in life that I couldn’t manipulate was “Time”.  Funny how true this is ringing in my ears today.  Due to my addictive personality and getting my DUI, I’m screwed financially.  I know the solution, the problem is that there isn’t a instantaneous one, not legally anyways.  So, now time is my biggest adversity right now.  I can find more work, look for a second and third job but, when you need money by the 28th, I can’t do anything about the TIME involved in what I’m trying to do.  Even if I found a second job tomorrow, I wouldn’t get my first paycheck until the following two weeks.  

This is killing me.  Every day I sleep in my car, don’t have a place to go after work, no money to even move my car and everything else going on in my life is killing me.  What I do know, is that I have to stay on the path I’m going and eventually, with TIME, I will pull out of this mess and leave it behind me.

Walking away from it stronger and better for it.

Productive Day

Well, besides the fact that I’m sleeping in my car now and barely making enough money to cover my car payment… which is kind of my rent too at the moment.  I’m staying productive.  Got all my financial aid taken care of at the college today and due to start up towards my Psych degree again June 9th.  Which is my 30th birth day as well.  Went and dropped resumes off at four or five places for a night and weekend job and doing everything I can to pull out of this downward spiral I’m in.  

Don’t let the hard times hold you down.  Push through your heels, stand up and start walking in the direction that leads away from the adversities you’re facing and you’ll eventually get out of there.  When you do, you’ll be stronger, braver, more confident and better in so many ways.  

Strength is within you and unless you’re willing to help yourself, there’s nothing else anyone can do for you but, support you and watch you fail.

Addictive Personality

What I’ve realized lately is that, while I’m no longer using drugs, I still have an severely addicted personality.  I do anything 3 times and it’s a daily want/habit that I crave.  Next thing I know it’s part of my daily routine (habit).  Humans are definitely the most habit forming creatures out there, in my opinion.  I’ve always told people, “I’m a man of habit”.  I meant it meaning, that I’m reliable/predictable and such.  For me, I just get easily addicted to whatever I’ve enjoyed doing at that time in my life.  

I’ve quit doing drugs and drinking (for the most part).  Now, I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes twice as much as I used to.  I went gambling a couple time (won enough money to pay car payments and have some extra cash) and was instantly addicted.  To the point where I want to risk loosing my last forty bucks every time I have it with the hopes of winning.  I went out clubbing with some friends a few times, then ended up spending every pay check to accomplish going every weekend.  My addictive personality costs me a lot now that I think about it.

But, if any of you have as an addictive personality as mine, it could be a strength.  I’m the type of guy that goes FULL THROTTLE in any direction that i’m going.  If applied in the right direction, could pull me out of a slump and in the right direction with the quickness.  

That’s my goal for this week.  To apply better thoughts into new decisions to build new healthier habits to help me succeed.

Have a wonderful week

To My Love

You’re amazing! I notice it every day even if I forget to not say it enough. You are Amazing. Thank you for always being there for me. For loving me through and through. Through the good and bad times, the ups and downs, mistakes and accomplishments we’ve made together. One thing I will always love about you is that I know in my heart, no matter how bad things have gotten at times, you never quit loving me or gave up on me. You’re more loyalty and kind nature surpasses anyone’s I’ve ever met and I’m so lucky and grateful to have you in my life.  So, every day for the rest of my life i’m going to strive to give you a life that doesn’t make your patience be in vein.  You truly are unique and appreciated.

 

 I LOVE YOU!

FOCUS!!!!

Starting Fresh Today

While I’ve been trying to not drink… I did over the weekend and I’m official done.  Time to quit just going to my meetings and actually start working the program.  Stress is hard to deal with right now and only thing that really makes my problems fade, until I wake up anyways, during the night is a drink.  But, I guess instead of suppressing my problems I need to start attacking them head on and overcome the situations at hand.  Money is my biggest issue right now.  The DUI set me back so far that I’m about to loose my car.  I’ve already lost my place of living so now if I loose my car I’m going to loose a place to sleep when i need one as well.  No wonder I drink. 🙂  I just can’t afford to loose anything else in my life right now.  I’m not going to loose anything more in my life that I care about.  Not my job, my girlfriend, my family, nothing.  So, time to step it up a notch.  Quit drinking and try to put the pieces of my life back together.

 

Hope Restored

My whole life has been falling apart lately with nothing good throughout any of the days to even make me think there was hope left.  Then the phone rang at my job and I recognized the number.  It’s my probation officer.  Probably calling me to tell me how much time she’s going to give me in jail for the DUI i got.  

Not so, she was very nice and told me that she’s noticed how I haven’t let this set me back, kept moving forward, enrolled for another semester and went above and beyond with my Alcohol classes.  She told me she’s going to recommend that I don’t get put back in prison. and the Judge normally listens to the PO.  

Even though I may loose my car tomorrow and not have a place to live by Saturday. I’m the happiest I’ve been in weeks.  This little piece of mind has already brought back hope and strength to my life.  The hard work and consistent self talking to myself to keep pushing myself forward paid off and was noticed by the one person I really needed to see it.

Thank you, to whatever higher power out there is looking out for me.  I needed you!